• Home
  • About Us
  • My Account
  • FAQ/Help
My Cart 0

Jack McHawk vs Python - Battlespace 36

$ 25.95

Python is determined to turn himself into a more dynamic and charismatic wrestler. He wants to develop a star personality to match his chiseled physique, so he goes to the ever-brash Jack McHawk for some tips on building confidence and talking trash. McHawk, a newcomer to Thunders Arena, is a born smooth-talker, whereas Python, despite his Herculean physique, is hesitant and self-effacing in demeanor. Like a good tutor, McHawk drills Python on his line reading of Im gonna slap you like a freight train. He works the shy guy through the stages, tweaking his word choices, working through the stutter, raising his volume, visualizing the moment of dominating his opponent, and curbing the impulse to smile at the pretentiousness of it all. Its a bit like My Fair Lady or The Kings Speech, only with American swagger, spandex, and pecs you could crack walnuts on. Of course, you have to be wrestling to get a real feel for trash talk, so the two guys start to tussle, just to work on the timing of those zingers and barbs. Jack takes an early lead, using real pain to sharpen Pythons line delivery. But one of the side effects of good shit talk is to elevate testosterone levels to dizzying heights, and when Python finally fires back, Thunders Arena loses its zero-accident workplace safety record, with a mishap that sends big Jack McHawk to the emergency room. (In case you miss it, we even offer a slow-motion replay of the event, you sickos.) McHawk returns from the ER in a rage, and what started out as a friendly classroom exercise turns into a grudge match. Smile for me now, he snarls through his teeth, SMILE FOR ME NOW! He threatens to dislocate Pythons arm like you dislocated MY FINGER! Jack puts Python through the wringer chokes, scissors, punches, and especially assaults to the arms and shoulders but Python takes it without tapping out. From here, the match goes wildly out of control, and for once we could have used a ref on hand. The pain of his recent injury drives McHawk past all reasonable bounds of fair play. Hes a mad dog, and unless Python steels up his spine and puts the man down, he may be next in line at the emergency room. The shocking change in tone in this match makes it unique among all the Arenas previous releases, a heated vendetta capped by the widely outlawed Texas piledriver and its recipient knocked cold.